This House is Haunted - John Boyne

I guess ghost stories aren't the most Summery of reading, but this was one of the last books I bought before I decided not to buy any more books for a while, and I do love a good spooky read. I haven't read a modern ghost story in years - I'm normally more of an M.R. James fan - but I do have Michelle Paver and Kate Mosse waiting for me, so maybe I need to get in the mood.

The blurb reads:

1867. On a dark and chilling night Eliza Caine arrives in Norfolk to take up her position as governess at Gaudlin Hall. As she makes her way across the station platform, a pair of invisible hands push her from behind into the path of an approaching train. She is only saved by the vigilance of a passing doctor.

It is the start of a journey into a world of abandoned children, unexplained occurrences and terrifying experiences which Eliza will have to overcome if she is to survive the secrets that lie within Gaudlin's walls..."

*makes Twilight Zone noises*

..Feeling Old and Dirty and Incapable. You Probably Know the Feeling if You are Over Eighteen.

I have finally finished "Don't Point That Thing at Me." and not in a "FINALLY!" way, but just in a "Well, that took me longer than it should." way.

I actually really liked it come the end - I think once I stopped trying to work out what the actual *plot* was, it was just a great read. It's like a Quentin Tarantino film or something. Lots of things actually happen, but when you have to say what the start/middle/end is, you have to really think.

There doesn't seem to be a catalyst for events, in fact we come in half way through whatever has happened; Charlie doesn't seem to go on any personal journey, although he is a lot less wisecracking come the end, but I think that's as he feels he is facing his demise; and the book ends on a kind of muted cliff hanger. However, that is because the Mortdecai books aren't technically a trilogy, they're more one book divided into three. The second book, After You With the Pistol carries on literally from the next sentence to where Don't Point That Thing at Me finishes.

If you like fast paced, fast talking, rather violent antiheroes then it's the book for you. I'm surprised Tarantino isn't actually doing the movie adaptation...

A nice, rich, cowardly fun-loving art dealer who dabbles in crime to take his mind off his haemorrhoids...

Mortdecai is taking me a long time.

There's no reason for this other than I've been suffering from reduced concentration skills recently, and not reading as much as I have been known to. I tend to play Marple on my phone instead of read at the moment. Seriously though, Marple is great. Check it out.

Don't Point That Thing At Me seems to be one of those books that you read much better if you stop thinking about it and just read it. I have no idea what's going on. I know Charlie wants a diplomatic immunity pass to go to the USA and I know it's for nefarious purposes, but I have no idea what they are or why he wants to go to the USA. I'm sure I've read these reasons but either I've forgotten or I didn't understand them in the first place.

However, it's funny. Mortdecai is an incorrigible debauched drunkard. I chuckle out loud a couple of times each chapter, and the language is lovely if almost entirely obsolete now. His use of the word "zizz" for a nap immediately transported back to my childhood as it's a word my Mum would use a lot. I had no idea that's how it would be spelled though. So I've learned something from the Right Honorable Charlie Mortdecai.

I'm wondering if this is one book I should have read AFTER the film came out. Maybe the film would cover the plot and then I could just concentrate on the words. I'm considering putting it on hold until then, but I'm already a third of the way in and I do enjoy that smugness of saying "That's not what happened in the book", although in this case I obviously have no bloody idea what's happening in the book.

Paul Bettany as Jock though? Hmmm. He's supposed to be built like a brick shithouse and has just chased an intruder around the house whilst stark naked. It'll be interesting to see if he carries it off...

Jonny Depp and Paul Bettany as Charlie and Jock

Okay, maybe he can.

Don't Point That Thing at Me - Kyril Bonfiglioli

Don't Point That Thing At Me, After You With The Pistol and Something Nasty in the Woodshed have all recently been re-released by Penguin with gorgeous new covers, just in time for the David Koepp directed Mortdecai movie starring Johnny Depp. For a long time prior to this, they were only available as a collected trilogy - the edition I am reading.

Now, tackling even just one book of a collected trilogy makes me feel nervous and inadequate. Even though I know I'm only reading essentially one third of the book on this occasion, it's still a fair tome with teeny tiny writing. Eeep! It's under 170 pages though so with a bit of will power I should manage it.

Three chapters in, and the prose is very very flowery, yet with a uneasy amount of violence loitering in the background. A back cover quote from the Sunday Telegraph (and indeed a front cover quote from the New Yorker on the latter editions) compares Charlie Mortdecai and his manservant Jock to Jeeves and Wooster, and there is a kind of faded gentry feeling to the pair, but I'm pretty sure Wooster never underwent arse torture in the opening chapters of a book.

The dialogue is often so snappy and Mortdecai unlike any character you've met before, save for maybe Withnail, it can sometimes read like a foreign language. Parts of the book feel like A Clockwork Orange, in that if you keep reading, your brain pieces together the conversation and you get the gist of what is being said, but if you actually think about it as you read, you understand maybe 40% of the words.

Having said that, it's dastardly and impish, and great fun. I just have to stop my brow from furrowing as I read. Premature wrinkles!

Read more about Charlie and Bonfiglioli in this Guardian article